The Five Year Mission
by SageK
Summary: This Picks up where The Journey Home and Beyond ended!
1. Chapter 1

One of the first things the senior crew of the Starship Enterprise learned was how to write reports. Or, more to the point, what not to include in the reports they sent back to Starfleet Command. It quickly became clear that a certain sort of art was involved in making things palatable for command and even Spock saw the logic in doing that. After all, sometimes you needed to be present to really understand a particular situation.

The first inkling they had, in regards to this little spoken of aspect of command, occurred when they were less than a week out of space dock. Not to say the first few days of their journey had been mundane in any respect. With a crew composed mainly of people most were kind enough to call 'eccentric', things were bound to happen that you wouldn't ordinarily see on a Federation starship.

Take Engineering, for example. It took only a day or so for people to learn to identify 'scary explosions' as opposed to 'experiment explosions'. And there were quite a few of those, most of which originated in the machine shops. After one particularly rattling boom, Kirk had gone down to investigate. He found Scotty, Winchester and Staite, looking a bit singed around the edges of their goggles and wielding fire extinguishers.

When questioned, they all denied anything had happened. It would have been more convincing were there not a smoking pile of…something sitting behind them. But they seemed sincere enough in their assurances that the ship was in no danger, so Kirk just shook his head and asked them not to destroy the place. As he was leaving, a falling pipe nearly hit him on the head. That same disembodied voice he always seemed to hear shouted, "Sorry, Captain!"

The first night of the cruise, Cupcake, Danish, Muffin and Cream Puff (Otherwise known as Ensigns Raff, Lester, Tanaka and Boyd) managed to wind up in sickbay. Not from a fight or the vengeance they'd been waiting for Kirk to exact since becoming captain. No, they had become paranoid to the point where they got caught in the booby traps they had set up at the entrances of their rooms. Cupcake had a head injury, Danish and Muffin managed to slightly electrocute themselves and Cream Puff…well, McCoy had taken one look at his scalded, sticky, feather covered self and handed him off to Dr. Chase.

One of the walls in the lounge was already half covered in some strange sort of mural that tried to incorporate all types of land and cityscapes. Lt. Lorne, a geologist, was something of an artist and had taken the lack of aesthetically pleasing features aboard ship as a personal affront.

Then there was Shawn, the oddball in security who claimed to be a psychic, the strange little group of Brits that Kirk was sure he overheard talking about magic and Fraser, a Canadian who was prone to launching into long, rambling, incomprehensible Inuit stories.

So when something happened that made the senior officer sit up, take note and say, "Shit! How do we explain this?", you know it was beyond interesting.

TBC

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	2. Diplomatic SNAFU

Leonard McCoy had learned many things over the course of his association with Jim Kirk. Some of those things had come in very handy, but others he dearly wished he was not privy to. He'd even created an internal list of these inarguable truths, somehow knowing they'd come into play many times in the future.

_Truth_: In any bar, Jim Kirk will attract a lot of attention. Be it from attractive, young men and women of a variety of species or folks looking for a fight.

_Truth_: If the possibility of pleasant company is unavailable and one doesn't provide a distraction, Jim will inevitably drift towards the biggest, dumbest, most belligerent person in the bar and pick a fight. Which he will win or lose depending on the amount of alcohol in his system.

_Truth_: Jim has a very hard head. Which was a very good thing, considering how often it is used as a punching bag.

_Truth_: If one gets drunk enough while out with Jim, one inevitably ends up naked. This isn't saying there's any sex involved, just nudity. Often in public. With an audience.

_Truth_: Wearing layers is always advised. That way one can remain clothed if you have to shed the outer layer in the event of vomit or a friend loses his or her clothes.

_Truth_: Never accept a dare that involves streaking while coated in ground meat products.

_Truth_: Little dogs can be far meaner than big dogs. Their teeth are like razor sharp pins and sink into your skin very easily.

_Truth_: Jim and Jocelyn should never be in the same room…same city…same state…you get the idea. This knowledge was hard won on an occasion when Jim had accompanied Bones to pick up Joanna for a weekend. On sight, Jocelyn hated Jim because he was Leonard's friend and Jim hated her because she'd hurt Leonard. There had been snippy, sarcastic comments and something had been said when Bones left the room with Joanna to see an art project displayed on the fridge. Neither Jim or Jocelyn would say what had happened, but when Bones and Joanna returned they had found them at opposite sides of the den, glaring daggers at each other.

_Truth_: Letting Jim and Lily get drunk together is a bad idea. While, and Leonard thanked God for this, they didn't tend to fall into bed together, they enabled each others particularly taxing brand of drunken craziness. There would be streaking, dares and, when they'd get tired, Jim had a tendency to sing old late 20th century, early 21st century songs, off key, while she giggled.

_Truth_: The "incident that never happened", **NEVER HAPPENED**!

_Truth_: On their own, Jim and Lily are evil geniuses. Together, they make Bones nervous, as one never knows what will strike their strange little brains as funny. They even have t-shirts. Plus, they giggle. Sober. Not a good sign for anyone involved.

_Truth_: You don't have to be insane to be Jim's friend, but it helps.

_Truth_: Jim has an intense affection for any sort of nauseating amusement park ride. The more twists, turns, flips, spins and speed, the happier he is.

_Truth _: Sometimes, it is better not to ask. He really didn't want to know why he found Jim passed out under his bed, naked with his genitals dyed hot pink. Or what is in the box under Jim's bed.

_Truth_: Do not let Jim organize any sort of prank. Other people moved office furniture onto the lawn or super glued things together. Jim's pranks inevitably involved barn yard animals, violating the four laws of thermodynamics, Lego's or a re-enactment of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

_Truth_: Leaving Jim unsupervised in a Chemistry lab is a bad idea. After the incident with the baking soda bombs, Leonard realized the kitchen wasn't exactly a safe place for him either.

_Truth_: Strippers love Jim. Stripper's boyfriend's, not so much. Except on that one occasion that Bones really, really wishes he could forget.

_Truth_: Lack of an Adam's Apple is not a conclusive indication of a persons gender.

_Truth_: You can do a lot of damage if you have access to a tarantula, a porta potty and blue food coloring.

_Truth_: One could learn a lot of things in 4H Club that weren't listed anywhere on the charter. At least, that is what Jim claims.

_Truth_: While Bones still has no idea where one would find heavy farm equipment in San Francisco, Jim did and had. Jim also knew how to operate said heavy machinery with startling skill.

_Truth_: There are some people one should always be on the look out for, as when in Jim's company…well, everyone at the Academy remembers the incident with the piglet, Commander Landry's office and the honey. These people should always be monitored when in Jim's company, as he was clearly the mastermind: Shawn Roday, Jensen Winchester, Fred Grint, George Grint or Kaylee Staite.

_Truth_: It takes a certain sort of person to know where to find a Bandicoot on less than an hours notice.

_Truth_: Plausible deniability is your friend.

_Truth_: As world weary and jaded as Jim sometimes seems, he is a small town, Iowa boy at heart. He'd been cow tipping, ice fishing and owned a battered Hawkeye's T-shirt. First year, during a cold spell, Bones, personally used to warm climates, had bundled up in a warm weather uniform. He'd nearly had a stroke when Jim came back to their dorm after a jog, shirtless.

_Truth_: Do not eat anything that uses the words "chicken fried" as descriptive adjectives.

_Truth_: One can eat an entire wheel of cheese in one sitting if one really wants to.

_Truth_: Jim was very adept at functioning with one hand in a cast. The claims of being a clumsy child will cause your jaw to clench.

_Truth_: The more times a girl turns Jim down, the more fascinated he becomes. Fortunately, he knows where the line between persistent and stalker lies and doesn't cross it.

_Truth_: Anyone who raises a hand to a woman or child is fair game. Of course, Bones had known that long before he met Jim, but the younger man went after abusers with a sort of zeal that spoke volumes.

_Truth_: When sober and facing an opponent without the advantage of being a far stronger alien, Jim is quite a good fighter. Booze limits his repertoire to "Jim SMASH!", so it's not surprising that his record in the sparring circle far surpasses his bar fight tally.

_Truth_: Winona Kirk is still a very attractive woman. Saying this will not make Jim happy.

_Truth_: Telling Jim he looks like his mother will make him glower and pout for days.

_Truth_: Telling Jim he looks the vid images of his father will make him pale and stalk off. The next time you see him, he will pretend like his father was not mentioned.

_Truth_: Never make a big deal out of Jim's birthday. Surprise parties will result in a fight or flight response and, either way, Bones will end up having to hunt Jim down, haul him out of whatever bar he attempts to drink dry an patch up the numerous wounds.

_Truth_: Don't ask about the nightmares. That just makes them worse.

_Truth_: Do inform Jim if he comes in smelling like a beer soaked brothel. He'll usually attempt to wash up before passing out, and he succeeds 4 out of 5 times. The other time, one has to retrieve Jim from the shower before he drowns, but at least he no longer smells.

_Truth_: Jim might act like your drunken, libidinous, slightly retarded cousin, but he is, in fact, a genius. Do not let the village idiot act fool you into a sense of complacency. That is what he wants.

_Truth_: Jim Kirk should not be given access to a large number of anti-gravity generators. Only bad things can happen.

_Truth_: Some people are lapsed Catholics. Jim is a lapsed boy scout. A lapsed boy scout with each of the 152 merit badges the organization offered. Bones was seriously considering engineering a situation that would cause Jim to use the skills acquired while earning some of the more random badges, like Basketry, Bugling or Landscape Architecture.

_Truth_: Karaoke is evil

_Truth_: So is Barney the Dinosaur. Some incarnation of that creepy fucker has been terrorizing small children on the holo vids since the late 20th century. Someone needed to smack a few programming directors upside the head for all the trauma they've inflicted on kids over the centuries.

_Truth_: If you let Jim eat apple pie with Coca Cola, he will throw up. This will not stop him from trying to order this noxious combination the next time you go to a diner. Be warned.

_Truth_: If you put it on a plate and set it down in front of Jim, he'll eat it. This might be a mildly disgusting skill for anyone else, but with Jim's array of allergies and somewhat haphazard ability to identify foods that will cause anaphylaxis, it is dangerous for him. Not that he'd just eat something he knew was going to make him sick, if he sees a strawberry, he'll avoid it, but if something was mixed in with other foods, like onion bits in meatloaf…well, McCoy tended to carry spare epi-pens

It was this little fact that caused a bit of a SNAFU on the Enterprise's first diplomatic mission. Fortunately, it wasn't a first contact mission. The Acarizian's had been in contact with the Federation for several years now and, while they were prickly and easily insulted, they seemed to want to form a more lasting relationship with other worlds. So when they had contacted Enterprise as she passed through the edge of their system, no one thought it odd when they requested a visit.

A lavish feast had been prepared and the senior officers and Lily found themselves seated around a grand table, mixed in among the locals. Jim was seated near the head of the table, on the right of Dillighoz, the Acarizian equivalent of a President, intent on their conversation. Knowing how sensitive the Acarizian's were, Uhura had been worried about Jim's pronunciation of the name, but he hadn't had any trouble with it. Bones was just glad he wasn't the one most of the attention was on, as Acarizian names did not roll off his own tongue so easily.

All around the table, people were chatting and interacting. It seemed like the Acarizian's had attempted to invite people who had equivalent skill sets to their guests and everyone seemed to be getting along well. Scotty and his counterpart, the head of the planets civil engineering corps, were deep in conversation and, worryingly enough, seemed to be building a model of something with toothpicks and alien cheese cubes. Oddly, the conversation Sulu and the Acarizian Air Force pilot seemed to revolve around women more than flying. Chekov's new friend, a robust older woman from the defense department simply seemed to be trying to force food on the boy, as the mothering instinct clearly crossed species lines. Uhura was chatting up a storm with her new friend, who seemed enamored by he dangling earrings, while Spock and his cohort seemed to be trying to stare each other down. Lily and the Acarizian press corps officer at her side seemed torn between interviewing each other and observing the goings on around them. McCoy himself was enjoying a spirited conversation with the alien doctor on his left.

Then the soup course arrived. The bowls were large and quite beautifully crafted, seemingly as sort of blue ceramic with green swirls. Unfortunately, the soup itself was a thick, purplish liquid with chunks floating in it and, to McCoy's horror, there seemed to be something swimming around in the depths of the bowl. The smell reminded him of the time Cupcake and his cronies had stuffed Jim in a porta potty and knocked it down a hill.

Looking up sharply, he glanced around the table. The Acarizian's, whose table manners were obviously vastly different than humans, were hunkered over their bowls, rapidly slurping up mouthfuls of the noxious brew. The Enterprise crew seemed to be having similar reactions to Bones, for the most part at least. Scotty and Chekov's bottomless stomachs seemed to have abandoned them, while Sulu and Uhura were trying to hide their slightly nauseated expressions. Spock was making polite noises about his species being vegetarian and Lily was braving a small taste of her own soup.

Jim however had taken his cue from Dillighoz and was in the process of inhaling he purple slop without issue. It was a horrifying sight, but one you couldn't look away from, though, as the Acarizian's began finishing their soup, they had to in order to make excuses for why the soup hadn't been eaten. There was some disgruntlement, but it was lessened by the fact that Kirk finished his own bowl.

Thankfully, the next course seemed to be a roasted, breaded vegetable, which no one had any real qualms with. Peace was restored until Lily's voice rang out, asking, "Jim?"

McCoy looked over at Kirk, who was frozen, wide eyed and still, a fork full of veggie halfway to his mouth. His face paled, then turned a vile shade of green.

"Oh, hell," Bones muttered, scrambling from his seat and knowing there was no way he was going to be fast enough.

Sure enough, he hadn't even finished speaking when Jim's muscles unlocked and he vomited up a geyser of disgusting purple goo.

Which caused the Acarizian's to promptly go bug nuts. Later, McCoy would find out that this happened because they did not vomit. Ever. They had no idea what was going on, only that Jim was doing something they instinctively did not want any part of.

Chairs crashed as aliens scrambled to a safe distance, voices raised in horror. Bones heard Spock attempting to issue quiet reassurances, Uhura's calming tones joining in the effort, but he was busy focusing on Jim.

After decorating the table so impressively, Jim had crumpled, curling into himself and gasping on the floor. Bones hit his knees beside his writhing friend, knowing hands feeling for swelling of the throat and finding it. As Lily crouched down beside them, he injected one of his ever present hypo sprays into Jim's neck and it took only moments to show it's effects as the tension in Jim's body eased and the gasps became less frantic.

"Leo?!" Lily was startled, scared for Jim. She'd never been witness to one of Jim's truly bad episodes and didn't have any clue what to do, eyes nervous, hands fluttering but not touching.

Addressing Jim, who was on the verge of falling asleep, a side effect of the anaphylactic that had been necessary, Bones said, "You're okay, Jim. Relax…and next time, don't inhale the alien food."

To Sulu and Chekov, he ordered, "Get the collapsible gurney from the shuttle."

To the room at large, he bellowed, "Be quiet! A little puke never killed anyone."

As the noise level dropped and Hikaru and Pavel scampered off to get the requested gurney, McCoy turned his gaze back to Jim, who was smiling and blinking his sleepy eyes, which were directed along the line of Lilly's thigh and probably under the hem of her skirt. Heaving a sigh, McCoy gave him a poke in the side. "Eyes forward."

Jim let his eyes drift closed and a hint of a smirk settled on his face as he dropped off to sleep. Lily gave an amused huff and settled herself on the floor, arranging her legs so Jim's head could rest on her thigh.

After the gurney was brought, they headed back to the ship without incident, though Spock and Uhura had stayed planet side in order to make an attempt to sooth frazzled nerves. McCoy did not envy them that task.

He did, however, make an addition to his mental list of truths.

_Truth_: If the food is moving, for the love of all that is holy, don't eat it!

TBC

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	3. SSDD Sorta

More often than she cared to admit, Nyota Uhura seriously considered the idea that several of her fellow officers aboard Enterprise suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder. Sometimes this seemed like the only possible explanation for the glaringly contradictory patterns of behavior they displayed. Senior staff meetings could either be rather routine and boring or loud, boisterous and, on one memorable occasion, involve copious amounts of tapioca.

She had joined the crew knowing it wasn't going to be your standard, by the boon, stoic group of officers. In fact, she'd once overheard some of the admiralty referring to the group of them as "a hot tempered satyr, a disturbed Vulcan, a frankly terrifying doctor, a functional Rube Goldberg on acid, the language girl, the pilot with the creepy sword fixation and the teenage wunderkind." She took a bit of solace in knowing the higher ups didn't think she was personally insane, but she took offense for the others.

She was just glad knowing no one back at HQ knew about the day to day life aboard ship.

Jim, she was both pleased and a bit surprised to discover, was turning into a very good captain. He had leadership skills and charisma coming out his ears and seemed to have a deft hand when dealing with alien races. If he wasn't puking on them. Everyone already knew he had a tactical mind and little skirmishes were handled with the ease of a seasoned officer. His reports and communiqués were all in order, which she knew because it was her duty to forward them to command, though she did note he sent Pike a separate write up of almost every mission, one that had a lot more of Jim's humor in it than the official logs.

Off duty was a bit of a different story. Sure, sometimes he did typical captain like things, such as training in the gym, sharing a meal with the crew or enjoying a game of 3D chess with Spock. A few times a week, she knew he made sure to sneak up on Cupcake and the other assorted baked goods and smile brightly at them. This tended to send them scurrying for their hiding places. Other interactions hinted that he spent some time with Scotty and a few of his engineers in one of the engineering shops doing God knew what, but McCoy and Lilah seemed to be his most common companions.

Once, Uhura had dropped by Lilah's cabin to ask if she wanted to go down to the movie in the lounge (Spock wasn't fond of romantic comedies) and found the three of them just relaxing, lolling around in an amusing fashion. Bones, barefoot, in jeans and a green t-shirt, was sprawled on his stomach across the bed, head propped up on a pillow that looked suspiciously like a platypus. Lilah was slumped on the room's small couch, uniform replaced by short, black athletic shorts and an oversized white T-shirt. Jim was on the couch as well, but upside down, track pant clad legs tossed over the back of the seat and head on Lilah's thigh. The each held a Pilsner and seemed at ease, chatting amongst themselves.

Spock's off hours were often spent in Uhura's company, challenging Jim to chess or arguing with Doctor McCoy. During one of these spats, though Spock insisted on calling them discussions, Lilah had looked at Nyota and commented, "Like two wet cats tossed in a pillow case, ain't they?"

Ignoring the abuse of the English language, Nyota smiled at the comment. There was no way her significant other would ever admit it, but she knew he enjoyed the verbal sparring matches. She was quite sure he was keeping track of just how many shades of red the doctor's face would turn before the end of any fight. Sometimes, in one of their quarters, when no one else was around, she and Spock would dabble in music, she singing, he on his lyre and if the musical endeavor led to other things, yay!

Doctor McCoy, he of the…unique bedside manner, spent his duty hours dolling out bandages, medicine and guff sarcasm. In his free time, he ran medic training classes for the crew, insisting it would be a good idea for everyone to have some med skills. He argued with Spock, teased Lily and Jim and sent scads of messages to his daughter. None of these things came as a surprise, but she had been absolutely floored when she discovered he played guitar. She stumbled upon him, Eliot Kane, Nick Mansfield, Kelly Reed, Tony Weatherly and Abby Perrette playing some random song in a mostly empty cargo bay. Four disgruntled pairs of eyes regarded her, while Ton and Abby, the talkers of the group, told her they'd played occasionally at the Academy.

Making things go boom seemed to be a passion of Scotty's, both on and off duty, a fact that was juxtaposed against how dedicated he was to keeping touch with his own family back in Scotland. He also liked to haunt the galley, to the point where the kitchen staff dreaded seeing him. He too was a musician, much to his neighbors dismay, as he often practiced his bagpipes.

A man of many interests outside of duty, Sulu had already organized a fencing club aboard ship, spent time everyday in the botany lab and seemed to have a rather active social life. He was also looking into setting up Judo classes in the gym. Already a fixture in the ships social scene, he and Pavel were responsible for setting up movie night in the lounge.

Pavel was a bit less outgoing, though between movie night and his circle of fellow runners, he had plenty of friends. Often crew members found themselves leaping to the side as Pavel, Sarah Reese, Matt Bamber, James Hart, Erica Lupo or Jason Boscorelli would come careening down a hall. Uhura was also fairly sure he and Jazmine Tavares were dating, though she was unsure if either of them were aware of this fact. She really hoped someone, possibly Sulu, would clue Pavel in on this development.

There were times when Lilah (Never Lily, as that seemed to be an honor reserved for family, both blood and adopted in spirit) seemed almost sane. She tended to be a quiet observer of their duties, always making notes, often using an old fashioned pen and notebook. Then, Uhura would turn a corner and find Lilah letting Jim stuff her into an overhead air shaft, for reasons neither of them would explain or overhear Bones chastising her for biting someone during hand to hand training.

Sitting back in her seat in the briefing room, Uhura looked around at the assorted group of lunatics who were her closest co workers and friends. A the moment, they seemed nothing less than consummate professionals, each providing a briefing about the goings on in their departments. Over all, things were going along pretty well, Sulu and Chekov having given routine, uneventful summaries, while Scotty had made a few pleased noises about some project he was working on. McCoy had declared that he felt the crew was populated with, at best, semi-intelligent gerbils with no sense of self control and far to much time on their hands to get into trouble. Apparently, a few of them had tried to recreated Jim and Lilah's air shaft stunt (which everyone was still mum about), and the outcome had been a lot of people painfully stuck in vents.

At the moment, Spock was summarizing the outcome of a series of new procedures stellar cartography was putting into effect to improve the accuracy and detail of their star charts. Hikaru, Pavel and Jim actually seemed interested and able to follow him, while Lilah looked baffled but continued jotting down notes. McCoy was scowling down at a PADD and texting something to one of his staff while Scotty , well he might have been listening to Spock or he could be listening to something on the ear bud discretely jammed in his right ear. At least he wasn't taking apart the table this time.

"Sounds promising," Kirk said as Spock wrapped up his report. The captain then leaned back in his seat and said, "We've received orders from Starfleet to continue on to the Horvan Cluster. Another meet and greet with folks in the process of joining the Federation. According to Admiral Piker, the Horvan's are very sociable and there's even a plant similar to Risa called Casperia Prime where the crew can have a few days leave."

While letting certain members of the crew loose on a pleasure planet struck Uhura as an epically bad idea, she had to admit a few days lounging on a beach sounded like fun. And if she couldn't talk Spock into joining her, which she was willing to admit was more than likely going to be the case, she could always talk Juliet Lawson into a day of fun and sun. The Miami born woman was starting to wilt a little in the ship's artificial light and would jump at the chance for a beach day.

"Casperia Prime's not nearly the planet of sin and decadence that Risa is," Lilah piped up for the first time in the meeting. "Lots of resorts, unspoiled beaches and forests, very peaceful. The bar/night club scene is restricted to one, fairly small section of the planet's largest city."

Kirk cast an amused look down the table and asked, "Spent some time out here?"

Lilah gave an absent nod. "One of those pieces on planets petitioning to enter the Federation," she said, then looked up and smiled. "Nice people, beautiful planets…should be fun."

_Should be fun_. There was a time when Uhura would have taken that statement a face value, though it simply meant a good time was imminent. That was before she joined Starfleet and started associating herself with people whose idea of fun included bar fights, botany and the occasional explosion. Still, they were more than a little amusing.

"Ow! What the hell, Bones?"

She looked towards Kirk, who was clutching his neck and glaring at McCoy, who was returning one of his ever present hypo sprays to it's magic, hidden location on his person. The doctor met Jim's gazed with his own dark look. "Prophylactic inoculation against the more common VD's in this quadrant," he drawled, then jabbed his finger at Jim. "I don't know about you, but I don't want you coming back from leave with weeping, purple sores on your…," he paused and glanced down the table at Uhura and Lilah, "…ninky-nonk."

Lilah snorted and Uhura bit her lip, torn between the _EWWW!_ of that particular imagery and outright amusement at McCoy's reluctance to use a more frank term for that particular portion of the male anatomy in front of women. It was the southern gentleman in him coming to fore, protecting the ladies from such vulgarities. Not that they needed protection, but Bones was able to make the old fashioned behavior seen charming and inoffensive. Perhaps because he usually didn't bother with such trivial things like tact.

Still rubbing his neck, Kirk scowled and said, "Fine, but if my fingers turn into sausages again…."

Bones shrugged non-chalantly. "I can fix that," he drawled, making Jim sigh and turn to Sulu.

"Plot a course to the Horvan Cluster," he said in a tone that suggested he too thought his friends were crazy.

As they all headed back to their stations, Uhura smiled. Some time on a seclude beach sounded like just the thing to help unwind. Maybe they'd be less high strung and nuts when they returned.

TBC

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